The Invader

This post corresponds to the Momic chapter: “The Invader.” You can read it on Webtoon here.

The picture on the screen didn’t look like a person…

But there it was…

The invader. 

For the first month of my pregnancy I truly struggled with the fact that I was growing another life. I felt like my body wasn’t my own. Like there was an invader that I couldn’t see. 

That’s the part of pregnancy that often doesn’t get talked about. The loss of identity, and the struggle to accept that you are not just your own person anymore. In the case of an unplanned pregnancy, it’s devastating. 

I felt like I had no control over my life anymore. Like I was a boat drifting in a turbulent sea with no idea of how to navigate back to shore. I didn’t know what to do, who to tell, or where to go. Despite all of the people around me, I felt alone.

Well…not completely alone. Technically speaking. 

The ultrasound tech printed me two photos before I left the pregnancy center. I remember tucking it into the back of my phone case before showing up to class the next day. It was my big secret. Right under everyone’s noses. 

In front of my lecture hall was a big park. I sat down and stared at the picture for some time, watching the families, students, and other locals pass by. I sat there feeling like my life was falling apart, but nobody would even notice. 

It was isolating. 

“What am I going to do with you?” I asked the picture, but the question was really for myself. 

What am I going to do?