Note: This post corresponds to the Momic chapter: Introduction. You can read it on Webtoon here.

You often hear stories of women talking about the “instant connection” they felt when they gave birth to their child. I had always thought that the day I gave birth I would be one of those women experiencing that indescribable love and bond. Instead, I felt underwhelmed. 

My pregnancy was unplanned and tumultuous from the start. I was in my last year of college and had just returned from a month-long vacation where I just met my long-distance boyfriend in person for the first time. I had only got my first kiss 30 days before finding out I was pregnant. As you can imagine, I was more than shocked. 

It didn’t help that very shortly after discovering I was pregnant I began to experience severe morning sickness. My life quickly became sitting in front of a toilet throwing up, and watching my life go down the drain (literally). Then came the struggle of balancing my new condition with school, telling my parents I was pregnant, and dealing with a breakup in the midst of everything. I also began working to build up funds to support myself and my future child, all while being a fulltime student and taking parenting classes at a local pregnancy center to prepare. Needless to say, things were rough. 

Due to all of this chaos, I didn’t get much time to sit and think about motherhood during my pregnancy. I was too concerned about survival, about getting my degree, making money, and ensuring I had everything prepared for my baby. At one point it almost just felt like I was checking items off a list. 

I wasn’t really enjoying the process. Stress followed me wherever I went, so I made myself busy to not dwell on it. I made freezer meals. Organised clothes. Spent hours in the grocery store. Anything to not think about the inevitable. 

So, when I finally did give birth I didn’t feel instant love. In reality, my baby and I were strangers meeting for the first time…and it’s not everyday that you meet someone naked and covered in blood. Kinda awkward, if you ask me. In fact, I didn’t even feel like he was MY baby. You could have told me he was someone else’s and I would have believed you. 

Honestly, even three months later it’s still hard for me to believe I have a child. Although my love grows for him every day, I never did expect to be a mom this young. Maybe that’s why I write these articles and draw this comic, to process everything. 

Sometimes, I do mourn the life I could have lived had I not gotten pregnant, but I don’t regret having my son. I know one day I will feel the bond that others have talked about, even if it takes me more time. 

If you are also experiencing an unplanned pregnancy and feel the same, don’t feel guilty. I know we will all get there in our own time.  

How did you feel when you first gave birth? Did you feel an instant connection? If you would like, share your experience in the comments below.